Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in Melanie's LiveJournal:

Saturday, July 14th, 2001
5:58 pm	Bored again... I just got home from shoping for my trip to Salt Lake City. I got some really cute stuff but I felt kind of bad getting them because of how fat I looked trying them on. I'm working out but I don't think I'm working out enough. I'm really tired now from working from 9-1 today. It wasn't incredibly busy but standing for four hours is tiring enough. I might have a movie audition coming up. It's not like a feature film but it will get my SAG contract signed. It's a 35mm digital film (whatever that is) and I'd either play an angelic college sorority student who does a complete 180 and turns evil or the already evil Yvette. There's no nudity and almost no pay but it's a free trip to California and my name on a bill. I hope the director likes my photo enough to let me audition. That's what it's all based on, but it looks good because he's looking for a petite but curvy girl with black hair and noticeably deceptive-looking eyes with a twinge of innocence. I don't know if my eyes look like that but I can always hope...Anyway, I have to go because my room needs to be cleaned before I go to Utah. I hope everything is going great for everyone else. Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: Old Time Rock and Roll (it's been stuck in my head all day) (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 8th, 2001
9:14 pm	bored I am sooooo bored. The last time I wrote, it was the day before I went for my road test. Well, I got my license. I'm excited but now I don't know what to do with it. I have no money, I can't drive other people until December 29th, and no one has rides anywhere. Grrrrrrrrr!!!!!! Neway, I've been working out at the gym for the last four days and I'v actually lost an honest pound even after all the shit I've been eating lately. I'm really bored and exhausted from being bored, so if anyone wants to do anything sometime, my schedule is almost completely open with the exception of a few hours of work here and there. Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: Elvis (I don't know what song. It's on the radio) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
9:14 pm	bored I am sooooo bored. The last time I wrote, it was the day before I went for my road test. Well, I got my license. I'm excited but now I don't know what to do with it. I have no money, I can't drive other people until December 29th, and no one has rides anywhere. Grrrrrrrrr!!!!!! Neway, I've been working out at the gym for the last four days and I'v actually lost an honest pound even after all the shit I've been eating lately. I'm really bored and exhausted from being bored, so if anyone wants to do anything sometime, my schedule is almost completely open with the exception of a few hours of work here and there. Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: Elvis (I don't know what song. It's on the radio) (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 28th, 2001
11:38 pm	Nerves I go for my license test tomorrow. I suck so bad at backing up and I always make really dumb mistakes when I'm driving. I am so scared that something like that will happen and I'll fail. Eeeeeeeehhhhh!!!!!The worst that can really happen is that I'll have to wait another month to get my license but I don't want to face knowing that i screwed up doing the one thing almost every person over sixteen can pretty much do well enough to pass their test. A lot of my friends have failed so I won't feel to bad. Fail. I hate that word. Usually it only takes a really dumb mistake to fail. God I'm so nervous!!!!!I won't be able to sleep tonight I guarantee it. I got red highlights today. I needed a change and they were kind of cheap so I did it. It's not that I don't like my hair contrary to what people might think. It just needed some zing. Plain dark brown hair gets old once you've lived with it for most of your life. Maybe red will give it a new flair. You can hardly see them anyways but I think I've finally gotten some attitude in my looks! I can't complain. Well, I should go to bed. It would be really embarrassing if I fell asleep behind the wheel on my test. Current Mood: stressed Current Music: Changes (6 Comments |Comment on this)
12:40 am	blah I hate computers. It won't let me check my comments without writing an entry. Current Mood: amused (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 27th, 2001
11:58 pm	Grrrrrrrr............ I am so mad at myself. I feel really bad about my pissed off entry so I hope everyone reads the better one and at least partially agrees with me. Both express how I feel but I could have said it nicer in the first one, just like people could have written me nicer e-mails. I agree that these entries should express how you truly feel but they should not hurt anyone. They should be constructive. I hope my new one was. Current Mood: guilty (Comment on this)
11:15 pm	Sorry I'm sorry about my last entry. I totally blew up at everything. It just bothers me so much that people could post their opinions so openly without knowing the whole situation. Maybe they did. Anyway, I read some of the other live journals about their take on the situation and the comments. I agree with the fact that Filiz knew what she was getting into and she should have let him go a long time ago, and it is kind of sad that she couldn't stand up for herself. But I feel like I can relate to her. I know how it feels to try and please everybody. It sucks because you end up losing yourself and then hating yourself. I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels that. It not be a good excuse but it is a logical one. It is very difficult to stop hating yourself. I think Filiz was looking for someone to love her and hold onto her when she felt like ending it. But that's not what you look for. What she should have looked for in Tom was someone she could find herself in and then improve his life and in the end she'd find love. You can't date just for the warm body. There has to be a real attachment there, and I don't think there was. The reason she didn't ened the relationship was because I think she thought there was hope. I think Tom was wrong for treating her as though he didn't look at her as any more than a sex toy. His heart will always be with Lauren and that is fine but he has to have room in his heart for other people too. You have to move on. It wasn't fair to bring someone as innocent as Filiz was into a relationship in which he never intended to really love her like he should have. That was a mistake. I think people should calm their tempers when they call her a whore because it isn't fair. She doesn't sleep around for money and that is the definition of a whore. She just was too innocent for her own good and didn't see the fall coming when she gave it away. I personally do not think Tom is a good person because of how he pre-judges everybody and expects people to love him anyway. Filiz is one of the most beautiful people I know and she does not deserve total blame for their problems, although she is human and does make mistakes that can unintentionally hurt people. Not many people see what her closest friends see in her and I'm sure people feel the same way about Tom. I don't want to take sides anymore because either way someone is hurt. I just wanted to post my opinion and apologize for blowing up in my last entry. I understand why that person was angry. I hope there are no hard feelings towards me. What happened ended up hurting a lot of people and it shouldn't have considering people should do what they feel without having to fear people's angry opinions. It's not fair to yourself to please other people when it's hurting you in the end. So please would everyone just let Filiz and To handle their own problems and stay out of it. They're not far from being adults and can do what they want. If they end up making mistakes it's their problem. I can understand posting your opinion but please, for the sake of other people's feelings, make sure its constructive. Don't name-call. It's just plain mean. As much as I love Filiz, it's up to her and Tom to set things right, no one else. If they end up hurting each other, it's something that they have to deal with. I'll be there for her no matter what and I'll support her decisions, whatever they are, but it's up to her now. I love everyone and I hope everything will be okay. You people are too beautiful to hurt anyone so watch what you say, for the sake of people committing suicide. I don't know what I'd do if any one of my friends died because of how badly they hated themselves. So keep smiling, and just have fun this summer. These summers are supposed to be the best in our lives. Don't ruin it. Carpe Diem. Love always, Melanie Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: Imagine and Let There Peace by John Lennon (Comment on this)
10:34 pm	Posting comments Whoever keeps posting their jackass opinions on the Filiz-Tom breakup should fucking shove their nosy opinions up their ass! Filiz is one of my closest friends and she was the one not fooling around with another person in their relationship. Tom still had a heart for Lauren yet he still made the deepest act of committment to Filiz, and that is not something someone does in a relationship. He never loved her and belittled her every chance he could, while she just hoped he'd stop. Finally she came to her senses and stopped putting up with his bullshit!! So stop fucking making up your own stories on how things happened! I heard both sides of the situation so I'm not making anything up. And kissing another boy for less than a second on the lips as a dare at a party does not count as cheating. So whoever thought it was should get a fucking life and grow up!! If anyone else wants to complain on my journal, they can go right ahead but I have a pretty good idea as to who you are. If you really want to attack Filiz over a situation only her closest friends know anything about, you should grow some fucking balls and tell her yourself, not that she'll care. She already knows that she did nothing wrong and immature comments aren't going to change anything. She's a lot smarter than most people give her credit for. So please leave my journal and whoever else's journal you're bitching on the fuck alone!! Current Mood: enraged Current Music: Anything that says "Fuck you" a lot (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 25th, 2001
11:29 pm	indescribable I don't know what to write about. I'm bored. I'm just writing one because im a pathetic loser with nothing better to do than to look at people's comments in my journal. Just kidding. Its like after 11 so im allowed to have nothing to do. Zilly broke up with Tom. Its about time she dumped that piece-a-work. Neway. I'll write back later. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: anything really random (2 Comments |Comment on this)
11:29 pm	indescribable I don't know what to write about. I'm bored. I'm just writing one because im a pathetic loser with nothing better to do than to look at people's comments in my journal. Just kidding. Its like after 11 so im allowed to have nothing to do. Zilly broke up with Tom. Its about time she dumped that piece-a-work. Neway. I'll write back later. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: anything really random (Comment on this)
1:50 pm	Guys I'm bored. I'm looking for a guy with a half a mind. Guys suck! Whenever I look for something in someone, I never find it. Does anyone else have that problem? I'm sick of dating losers so if anyone knows someone who is interesting, creative, driven, and potential boyfriend material, tell me! This isn't a want ad, though. I just want to meet someone who would make a good friend and then possibly become a boyfriend. I don't want to go out with anyone right away. Anyway, my friend has fallen for someone other than her boyfriend. Her present loser is a complete dick head who is only interested in sex and nothing else. He doesn't care about her feelings and she's finally had some sense knocked into her when she met this hopeless romantic eighteen year-old. He's smart and she totally deserves him. I hope she breaks up with the total loser she's let fuck up her brain...literally. If he reads this, I hope he is prepared to be dumped. Anywho....we're bored with nothing to do except talk to the purple people. They really are good conversationalists. Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: Filiz's symphony of confusion (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:47 pm	blah Current Mood: blah Current Music: keyboard (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 24th, 2001
7:19 pm	Friend stuff Sorry this entry couldn't be happier. I think there's something wrong with me. Why does everyone like my sister so much more than me? Maybe they don't, it's just me. I think she just has a better offer to do something because she knows more people who do better things that are more exciting. It's not her fault: she's just trying to be nice. The event that brought all this on was that I had a friend over who was supposed to go to the fair with me tonight and my sister invited us to go swimming at some kid's house. My friend had already been to the fair with my sister and I could have gone, but they were mostly freshman with the exception of my friend and I and they all have more in common. When this friend is around my sister, she is just more interested in what she has to say. So, I didn't go because I didn't want to be the miserable odd-man-out when people paired up for rides. Tonight, she took my sister's offer over mine, which kinda hurt because I couln't go and I'd be left alone at my house. I couldn't go because I had a few female problems and couldn't swim (ask no questions about preventatives against this problem, as I can't wear it and I did not want an oddly-colored swimsuit). I didn't want to sit alone by the side of the pool hot and sweaty with no one to talk to so I let them go by themselves. If I were in my friend's position, I would have stayed with the one who couldn't go because I'd know her sister wouldn't be left alone at the pool, and the girl who couldn't go was the one who invited me over in the first place. But that's just because I try to be fair and equal to everybody. Maybe I should just become selfish like the rest of the world and stop caring so much. I know if she reads this she'll probably be mad at me, but I have to let her know how I feel. I want her to tell me if I did something wrong. I want people in general to tell me what I'm doing wrong, because it seems like everyone is turning away from me. I know I'm a lot different than most people my age because I'm so dream-oriented and I like different music than everyone else, but wouldn't that make me more unique and interesting? I don't get it. Maybe I should just stop compalining and accept that I'm just not the kind of person who fits in right socially. I never have been. I am happy about some thins regardless of how depressing this entry sounds. Some of my hard work has not gone down the drain. The people I work with think I have the perfect personality for entertaining people and getting their attention. Is that a good or bad thing? HMMM..... Do they think I'm amusingly odd? Whatever. Also, I'm going to a beauty pageant camp this summer. I'm kinda short, fat, and not very pretty but maybe they're looking at talent. I was invited to go by someone who I thought had no clue who I was because she was always the star of the show and I was always in the back row. She told me I had the potential to win. Maybe I'll meet people who have something somewhat in common with me there. Maybe i'm boring to people. when I can't think of stuff to do, I guess I just get boring without people to drive us places. I hope something will happen to make people like me more. Maybe I should just be bitchy. Then I'll be more intersting. If anybody has any suggestions, comment on this entry and be constructive and not mean if you can. I'm just looking for a more active social life. Living under a rock gets kind of cold and lonely. I hope to hear from people (2 Comments |Comment on this)